Essays on jneidel

Letting Go

web@jneidel.com (Jonathan Neidel) — Tue, 05 Aug 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I have been letting go.

It was obvious in some ways. I donated clothes I did not wear and books I will not read.

It was more subtle in other ways. Along with the books I let go of the person I thought I was going to be. The person who would read those books. Letting them go was letting go of this hypothetical future me. That’s why it was so hard to do. I had hung onto that me for years (in the form of those books.)

I let go of my goals. Of the idea that I should control where my life is headed. I never could control that in the first place. That’s not to say that I won’t take the initiative to make things happen. I will and do. I just don’t weave my actions into a story, a grand vision of who I will become. I just am. I don’t live to labor in service of an imagined future. I enjoy the present. What ever it may hold for me.

I let go of my identity. Who is Jonathan? I am not my past. The past is behind me. I am not my future. The future is not real. I am not my physical body. Within 6 months every single cell of my body will have renewed itself. No piece of my current body will remain. I am not my thoughts and opinions. An identity created out of them would be a false and hollow one. A prison.

How can you “change your mind” if you are your opinions? Isn’t that why so many people are so unwilling to change their mind? It’s not that they don’t want to, they can’t. They defend their position, because they are their position. It’s self-defense. Arguments can’t convince them, which you know if you have argued with people like that. I would know. I was like that. But now I’m free!!! Is how my thoughts are trying to continue my story. “From that moment on, my life was different. I had found the truth. I had achieved enlightenment.” Real shit. I had those thoughts. But they’re just thoughts. They are not me.

Why do aliens matter?

web@jneidel.com (Jonathan Neidel) — Wed, 22 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

Aliens challenge our western worldview. One dominated by a science based in the material world. What lies beyond our senses is disregarded. If you can’t see, touch, feel, hear or smell it, it’s not real.

There is some physical evidence to the phenomenon of alien abductions. Enough to win over those who are prepared to believe. But not enough to convince the skeptic. As if the intelligence at work here was trying to trick and deceive the investigators. That might be on purpose. It’s as if the phenomenon was inviting us to change our ways, to expand our consciousness and ways of learning. A challenge to adapt our conventional ways of knowing and observing, to find methodologies more appropriate to its own subtle, complex, and perhaps ultimately unknowable nature.

They are not of this world. Why do we demand that our worldly thinking applies? Our methods are insufficient to measure and evaluate phenomena that originate in the unseen spirit world and cross over to manifest in the material world. If you treat aliens and similar phenomena literally, you miss the message. The medium is the message.

I don’t care about aliens or answering the question “Are they real?” I care about people; The profound effect an alien abduction on had the people, who believe it happened to them – how it dramatically altered their lives for the better – and the effect that investigating this phenomenon had on me. It has compelled me to elevate my consciousness and to fight for and look after our planet.

For your study

If you want to look into the topic yourself, I would recommend John Mack. He has a sober, scientific style and approaches the material with an open mind, but not as a true believer. A primer. His work Abductions details the raw experiences of Abductees. In Passport to the Cosmos he describes the themes that continuously come up in abductions.

There is also Ufology, the study of the UFO Phenomenon. In comparison I see these insights to be gained:

Ufology: they are here
Alien abductions: they are here and this is what they want

Ufology lacks the transformative potential for the individual and is dominated by the distracting narrative that “the government is lying to us.” What it is good for, is to give you some evidence to the point that “they are here.” Start with the documentary The Phenomenon.

You don't have time?

web@jneidel.com (Jonathan Neidel) — Thu, 19 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

When somebody tells me I don’t have time for that., my response, or at least thought, is always: If you don’t have time, you don’t have priorities. To which they say: Nothing.

It’s not that they don’t have priorities. They have priorities and are expressing them by saying No to something. If it was important to them, i.e. a priority, they would make time for it. If they had a toothache, they would find the time to go to the dentist. If a loved on died, they would make it possible to go to the funeral. If they were really hungry, they would

People do have time, but they would rather do something else. And that’s fine. It’s their time. My problem is with the way in which they express it. I don’t have time in essence means I don’t want to or I’m not interested. But they don’t say that. They go for in indirect or dishonest phrasing. I see two possible reasons as to why:

They are unaware of the fact that are not actually interested.
They won’t directly say they are not interested, for some reason (e.g. to be polite, not hurt the other persons feelings, etc.)
The response that 2. will get is:
1. The other person is aware that “no time” = “no interest” and they recognize this phrasing as dishonest, defeating it’s purpose.
2. The other person is unaware, will mistake it as a sign of interest and, as a result, will spend more energy to try to make it work, find another date, etc. Politeness has the opposite effect, by making it worse for the other person.

Personally, I say No honestly, if I’m not interested. Not in a harsh way, but by expressing how I actually feel about it. For example:

No, but thank you for thinking for of me.
Going to bed, at a reasonable time, is more important for me.
I would be up for something, but I’m not interested in getting a drink.

I propose another date that works for me, if I already have something more important scheduled: I don’t have time on Tuesday, how about Thursday instead? Through this I express my interest and meet them halfway in finding a date that works.

It’s just better communication, as measured by it’s outcomes.

Don't use Negation

web@jneidel.com (Jonathan Neidel) — Wed, 24 Jul 2024 00:00:00 +0000

When I was 16 the most curious thing happened. My friend from kindergarten and I were in the backyard of his parents house in the countryside, mowing the grass with scythes. Halfway through we’re taking a break to sharpen our scythes with hand-sized grindstones. He cuts himself in the finger while grinding. Then I cut myself in the finger, much in the same way. I had nicked my tendon and ended up in the hospital.

After the incident I thought for a long time: “How stupid can you be? He cut himself right before you did. You knew what not to do, but you still did it. That’s so stupid.”

Eventually I stopped with that line of thinking. It was not helpful. Until now, I never really understood why it happened like that.

I think it has to do with how our brain processes negation. When you hear “Don’t think of a blue elephant”, you will imagine one. “Don’t make it green” and it’s green.

Your brain processes language on different levels. On the first level of processing it does not comprehend or apply negation. That’s why you see the elephant in front of your inner eye. On the second level of processing your brain understands what to do, but at that point it’s already too late.

What picture would this thought have painted in front of my inner eye? “Don’t cut yourself while grinding. Don’t cut yourself while grinding. etc.” I see me cutting myself. And then it became a reality and I did cut myself. I was so drawn to the picture I had incidentally painted for myself.

Tell a kid “Don’t spill the milk” and watch it spill the milk. It can’t help it. All the kid can see in front of it’s inner eye is the glass tilting, falling and the milk spilling out. If you want it not to spill the milk, you need to paint another picture. “Grab your glass firmly. Move it away from the edge.” What does the kid see now?

Avoid the use of negation when using the imperative (giving commands.) Come up a different way to describe the desired action or outcome. When communicating with others, and in your self-talk.

References #

I got this idea from Richard Bandler in his program Persuasion Engineering.

Don't interrupt others

web@jneidel.com (Jonathan Neidel) — Sun, 07 Jul 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Yeah, like I was saying…

Imagine you’re walking down a windy forest path. You can only see some of the path in-front of you. There are turns, diverging ways and dead trees to climb over. You don’t exactly know where you are going to go, but you’ll figure it along the way.

There is another person walking the path together with you. From time to time they just push you. Off the path and into the shrubs. You’re disoriented, but you get back on the path. At a fork they push you in the direction they want to go in. You’re slowly climbing over a tree that fallen over the path and they push you over it. All good, you landed on your feet. It wasn’t pleasant though.

You decide to leave that person behind. You come across another person to walk with. This person let’s you find your way. They calmly wait while you climb an obstacle.

Who would you rather walk with?

Get to the point already #

The path is an analogy for a conversation. The pushy person is a conversation partner who interrupts all the time.

With each interruption you need a moment to find your way again. To refocus on what you were trying to say again. When you’re missing a word (hit an obstacle) the other person finishes your sentence with what they think you were trying to say.

As a consequence the person being interrupted has a harder time expressing themselves and navigating the conversation in a satisfying way.

A serial offender #

That’s me. I think fast and often believed I knew what the other person was trying to say and was going to say. I would try to hurry them along like “Yeah, I got that already” or “and then you did x and y” etc. Or I jump in to counter their point before they were done making it, based on what I thought they meant.

The feedback I got to this behavior ranged from being thought of as rude or aggressive to “You’re not really listening to me.”

I would auto-complete the words the other person was searching for:

Other person: “I felt so…”
Me: “weird, awkward, out-of-place”
Other person: “eh, yeah, something like that…”

It denies the other person an opportunity to better understand how they feel by finding the right words for it. And that’s a shame.

Rehabilitation #

Awareness. As a first step you need to catch yourself interrupting. Suppressing the impulse to interrupt is a second step. Awareness comes first. A lot is won by noticing that you’re interrupting.

Observe how the other person reacts to it. Some will be offended or start counter-interrupting you. Some will not react at all or only very subtly. That doesn’t mean it has no effect, it just might not be observable to you.

Observe how it changes the conversation. You might steer the conversation to topics that you want to talk about. Does the other person get to bring up their topics? Can they fully tell their side of the story? Can the other person express how they really feel? Are there things that you just had to say?

In the beginning your automatic interruptions will be too fast for you to react to. But with time, you will be able to stop yourself more and more.

There will be things, that you will want to say, for which there won’t be an opportunity. The conversation moves on to a different topic or you forget it. You will learn to let go of those things left unsaid. Maybe the conversation was better off without them.

I try to keep my mind empty while the other person speaks. Holding a response in my head and waiting for an opportunity to throw it into the conversation leads to more interruptions and worse conversation flow. If you give them the space, they will also give you the time to come up with what you want to say. When it’s your turn, you don’t have to rush out a prepared thought. You have the time, to take all of what they said into account and come up with a response. It will also be a better response, because you were actively listening and have taken in everything they had to say.

Why are you interrupting? #

A method you can try is to silently say to this yourself, as you are interrupting: “I’m not letting you finish your sentence because ______” (and fill in the blank.)

This will reveal your reason for why you are interrupting. Something you usually hide from yourself. Here are some examples of what various people have discovered:

I’m not letting you finish your sentence because …

… I already know where you’re going, and I have something more clever to say.
… I might forget what I have to say and lose this great opportunity to impress you.
… you’re having such a hard time expressing yourself, I’m going to help you by saying it better.

The intention might be a good one. The outcome usually is not.

Examples from my own life #

At my first job I would interrupt people, who were explaining a problem, with what I believed to be the answer or a retort to why it’s a non-issue. A girl I did this to became very hostile with me and there were multiple discussions with the leadership team about my behavior. Showing respect to her (by not interrupting among other things) put us on better terms and put the leadership at ease.

In the same team I would also interrupt people how were taking forever to get to the point. That behavior would be appropriate if I were a scrum master or the moderator of the meeting (I was not.) Despite some people appreciating that I got the guy to stop rambling, it still made me look uncooperative. Since I stopped interrupting, I’m seen more as a team player. We achieve better results and I’m more respected.

I talk a lot with my mom. I would always put the words that she was missing into her mouth. She would never hold this against me. It still stood in the way of her self-expression. It made the conversation less valuable for her, than it otherwise could have been. As a result of giving her more room to breathe in our conversations and letting her find her words, these conversations have become much more helpful to her.

I used to interrupt my brother because I was looking down on him. I didn’t need the whole story because I knew all about what he was going through. I would dismiss what he said and launch straight into the the great wisdom I had to share on the topic. Our relationship improved after I meet him on equal terms and let him speak. He opened up more and I listened better. I knew better what he was going though. Thus my “wisdom”, when I did dispense it, also became much more helpful.

Take action #

If you recognize yourself in any of these descriptions as an interrupter, like I did, then this a topic you must address. Otherwise it will stand in your way. People who like you will put up with it, but any high value person you meet will pick up on your disrespectful behavior and avoid you in the future. You won’t even notice what it costs you.

Questions #

Which of the interrupting examples is closest to what you do?
Can you think of a recent conversation where you interrupted somebody?
What was your reasons/motivation for interrupting them?
Are there people who you are interrupting more than others? Why them?
Is there such a thing as a respectful interruption?

Recommendations #

For a week, commit to paying attention to how you are interrupting others. Just notice your behavior when the other person speaks. Remind yourself of this commitment daily (a note on your daily planner, calendar, on your phone, etc.) and bring this awareness into most conversations. This is exactly what I did as part of a weekly challenge.

References and Exceptions #

Inspired by I Need Your Love - Is That True? (Byron Katie).

Interrupting somebody, especially somebody rude or inconsiderate, can be a power play that has it’s place. It still has a negative connotation, so you better have a reason for it. You are trying to put the other person down, so it doesn’t make you look cooperative. If the other people in the room don’t agree with you, that the person being interrupted was being disrespectful or was wasting everybody’s time then they could hold it against you.

A coupon and Pareto walk into a bar…

web@jneidel.com (Jonathan Neidel) — Tue, 28 May 2024 00:00:00 +0000

10% off!!1! #

My grocery store hands me some coupons after every purchase. 50 cents here, 10% there.

I thought I am so smart for seeing the manipulation: 1) “Please come back to our store” and 2) “Why don’t you try something that you usually don’t buy?” Well, you not gonna have any luck with me: 1) I always come to you anyway and 2) “Fresh baked goods” and similar categories don’t interest me in the slightest. I only use the coupons of products I am getting anyway. So I just save a little on the side.

Wait, where is the problem? #

Just the other day got a coupon for “10% of cosmetics and cleaning supplies”, so I stockpiled a bit. Only things I am actually going to use. My savings: 2.63€.

And the costs? Real costs: none. But, there were the activities that went along with redeeming that coupon:

At home I thought about which products and approx. how many would make sense.
I had to make sure to visit that particular branch before the coupons expiry date.
I needed to remind myself to grab the coupon from it’s compartment in the car.
While in the store I was looking for more matching products and making sure that the conditions of the coupon were met.
I needed to remind myself to hand over the coupon at checkout.
I need to evaluate the new coupon I am presented with afterwards.

Does this sound like a chill shopping trip, where I just mindlessly wander the store and dump the contents of my shopping list into the cart?

Is it worth it to cram random unimportant tasks into my brain, just to save 2.63€?

That is a clear example of low ROI optimization and is definitely located in the 80% (the less effective part, which provides just 20% of results) of the 80/20 formula.

Savings mindset #

How do you become rich? By reducing your costs? Sure, you need to control your costs, but solely through austerity you can’t become rich. Only less poor.

You need to create value and increase your income. In most cases that will be the much more effective lever.

If we assume you aren’t living lavishly, then reducing your costs by 300€ is much harder than earning another 300€ extra. At a certain point cutting costs will lead to (harsh) reductions in quality of life.

Back to the coupons. What are they programming you on? Poor people mindset.

You are posing to your brain the question: “How can I keep more of what little money I have?” instead of asking “How can I create more value for the world?”

Does this even make a difference? #

I’m not gonna stand here and pronounce that ignoring coupons will turn your life around. But it’s the small things, the small decisions added on top of each other, which over time can have a big impact.

The little extra relaxation, with which you leave the supermarket. The few more moments of awareness, that provide you with a little satisfaction. The little less, that your brain concentrates on having Little.

I have made up my mind. No more coupons from now on. They are going directly into the trash, without being considered.

Comprehension questions & Action steps #

Explain in your own words: Why are coupons costing you more than you are saving with them?
How are coupons related to the Pareto-principle?
Can you find examples from your own life, where you are engaging in activities that on the surface look like a good deal, but that are secretly costing you?
Come to a decision about how you are going to approach coupons and similar deals in the future.

Eat the Frog first

web@jneidel.com (Jonathan Neidel) — Fri, 24 May 2024 00:00:00 +0000

The principle is simple. Start every day with the most challenging and important task (the slimy frog.) The consequent application of that principle is not as easy. It takes attention to work out what the most important task is. It takes discipline to not simply start with an easier, less important task.

To face the worst that the day has in store for you head-on feels great though. You know that everything that comes after, will be easier. You proved to yourself, that you’re somebody who follows through and tackles what’s most important. You already know that it’s going to be a good day. Everything else that you’re doing will just be on-top!

The principle brings clarity, by forcing you to consider: “What even is the most important thing for me to work on?” This knowledge will put in stark contrast the things that are not. It allows you, even on days that you don’t start by eating the frog, to recognize that you have been working on unimportant things. That awareness gives you the opportunity to turn the day around.

If the picture of “Eating the frog” gives you a sour taste you can replace it with a more friendly “Kiss the frog first.”

Eat the frog

Kiss the frog

Apply it #

An idea is nothing without being applied. My clear recommendation: Try it for a week. It’s a reasonable commitment. Nothing can go wrong. See how it feels. This is exactly what I do in my weekly challenge format.

Ask yourself every morning:

What is the hardest, most challenging and important task to tackle for a productive start into the day?

References #

This principle originates from Brian Tracy’s Eat That Frog!

The Power Plant

web@jneidel.com (Jonathan Neidel) — Sat, 11 May 2024 00:00:00 +0000

The power plant doesn’t have power, it generates power.

Your body is that power plant.

What is the result of thoughts like “I don’t have the energy” or “I am so tired”? Will you feel energized and ready to go? Or will you feel like you need to lie down and take a break?

What if you stopped believing about yourself that you don’t have the energy to do x? Would you have more or less energy?

I am not suggesting that you deluge yourself. You have to listen to your body. If you are sick, give your body space. If you are in a toxic and draining environment, get out. If your batteries are empty, don’t push yourself.

But challenge the limiting belief that you can’t. Because usually you can. But, your limiting belief is there for a reason. What are your reasons? Why do you want to feel like you have no energy? What do you not have energy for? What does it give you an excuse for?

I really wanted to read that book/do that course/try that exercise, but I’m always so tired after work.

Thinking you don’t have the energy right now gives you an excuse to sit on the couch and watch TV instead.

The mental is one part. The other is giving your body all it needs to generate power.

Real food.
Enough water.
Enough sleep.
Enough movement.

You know. The basics.

One reason for a trip

web@jneidel.com (Jonathan Neidel) — Tue, 28 Nov 2023 00:00:00 +0000

Each trip must have a singular reason for why you’re taking it.

I used to live in the big city. Wanting more peace and quiet I moved out into the countryside. My work¹, friends and family were still in the city though.

Naturally I took regular trips² to the city. And while there, I might as well get some parts from my old bike store, visit this or that person, stop by at work, go to this event, get groceries from the specialty stores (Asia, Turkish), etc.

With time the amount of activities each trip consisted of grew. Along with it grew my discontent. I didn’t know why though. Visiting my grandma felt like an obligation, instead of a pleasure – like it had before.

When I was thinking about a trip and whether it was worth taking, I naturally had started to take into account all the little things I would be doing. I summed up the benefits of all the things I’d do and weighed them against the cost (money, stress, time) of taking the trip.

This made me resentful toward all the individual activities, because on their own they were not worth the whole cost of the trip. While doing an activity I wouldn’t think “Yeah, this was worth 20% of the trips costs”, because even if that were true, that’s not how your brain works.

At some point I came across this:

Each trip must have a singular reason for why you’re taking it.

I tried it. Started deciding which trips to take based on a single activity. Going to my best friend’s birthday for example. That activity by itself was enough to justify the costs of the trip. Meeting my grandma, cousin and another good friend were all extras on top I could really enjoy this time.

There was no pressure to enjoy the “side activities”, since there were “free.” The cost of taking the trip was already “paid for” or justified by the main activity, making these extra activities the cherry on top and much more enjoyable.

I now only take trips that can be justified by one activity alone. It means I take less trips, but they are all more enjoyable.

mostly remote, but they want to see my face around the office from time to time ↩︎
2h one way ↩︎